Walking With Us

Sunday, March 25

Went 扫墓 today, a day where everyone who have deceased family member or relative will visit the place they bury the ashes of those whom they loved. Although it was just from selegie to mandai road, it feels as though it was a long ride.. on the car with 2 cousins sitting beside me, i look out the window looking at the trees "passing by" me. It seems when someone is in their emotional room, everything seems different. I am not in a particularly happy or sad mood.. just in many many deep thoughts.. but somehow, the trees that i usually just see as trees are beautiful in my eyes.. those branches and they way they grow. There are a lot of people who likes to put the art of nature in paintings. Often, when people look at the painting of a tree on a piece of paper or picture frame, they will go "aaahh this is nice.." but they are people who pass so many trees just when they are trying to reach a destination, and no one notice that the beauty is just beside them. I guess the main reason is the word "destination"

Reaching our destination today, i can't help but notice the big big difference from the last time i came. Before, it was just too many people, too many burnings of money for another world. The smell alone is overwhelming, no parking space, etc etc.. but this year, we can park anywhere, we can even chose where we like to park. there are almost no cars.. plenty of space, not much of ashes and smoke.. and with the 11 people we went off with, each have someone we went there for.. no one show much emotions.. although i believe in each and everyone of us. we have some believes and thoughts.

For me, I haven't been there for the pass 2 years coz i was overseas. Before, each time i was there, i would stand there still.. thinking of a lot of things i wanna let my mum know. thinking of the new things that happen this year, and in my mind and heart, telling her a lot a lot of things..
telling her i've broken up with my ex and known a new guy that treats me well, telling her that there are people around me that i treasured and hope that she will look out for them as well. telling her my wishes not my worries. in that short few minutes.. there are so much things to tell and no time to cry. Cry, not because i am upset but because of the intense emotions that runs thru my blood, "Hi, i am here again."

It also makes me remember a lot of things that is more then a decade ago when she was still alive.

When she was still alive, I will never speak to her of my worries.
When she was still alive, I will not tell her i worry she might be angry coz i can't score well.
When she was still alive, I don't dare to let her know I have a crush on a guy at my age.
When she was still alive, there are just things that i won't let her know or do.
Now that she is not, I tell her my worries occasionally thru my thoughts.
Now that she is not, I wondered if she knew I was skiving, what would she have done.
Now that she is not, I will let her know when I think i am in love.
Now that she is not, there are many things that I wish i could share with her.

U get the idea.

There are so many things on my mind yet i ran out of words to express them. Also.. there are things better left unsaid..

Today, just today, i feel as if the world revolve around me.

Wednesday, March 21

the 1st thing i notice is.. no one is luffing at the stupid story i posted ... oh well..

Does singapore have too many childcare assistant to spare? looks like i can't get the job i wanted to at least for this period of time. maybe there are too many caring people around, either that or there are a lot of sadist around that luv to torture lil children =^^=. wonder which one am i. sigh.. i guess it also means i have to do the normal jobs to get by 1st.. aiks aiks.. hate it hate it..

i spend 1 hour trying to buff my nails today... successful, looking pretty good, the last time i tried to buff my nails was about a decade ago. kinda fun trying it again..not only that. it might just be my imagination, but it seems after buffering my nails..nail polish looks better on it. i don know, it just feels cleaner.. neater.. or something..but the perfection of nail polish never last more then 1 hour on my finger nails.. i had the habit of biting my finger ( of coz that includes the whole nail ) when i get excited or more to the hyper part of my emotions.. like in suspense... etc.. so as long as i am reading news online, or watching anime, tv, manga, or whatsoever.. i will bite my finger and leave little holes on the beautiful nail polish. tried hard to change this habit but sometimes even though i didn't remember biting my finger nails. i would notice those lil holes on the nail polish along with my teethprint on my finger, somehow.... i guess putting nail polish on is also a device that could gauge how often i bite my finger.. i don't even know >.<

Been trying to figure out what is wrong with my storage drive lately, right after i click it, it won let my access to the folders inside.. well actually it does. its just so damn slow... and it hangs my computer every now and then that i don really wanna click on it anymore.. after some research and diagnosis i found out the cruel truth,

my harddisk is failing..

i delete a lot of things from it. planning to get a new harddisk.. this time a much bigger capacity. maybe i will get a 300 gig one... wonder how much it cost.. i have to safe the $ for it. oh man... stupid harddisk.. failing on me.. but its partially my fault too, i didn't install it properly and leave it somewhere which didn't give it enough ventilation . feel like crying. *boo-oo* all my anime collection etc etc blah blah. me and my stupid idea thinking harddisk won just spoil like that.. stupid me stupid me.. another technical lesson learnt.. i was too lazy and this happens.. argh..
my harddisk =~~~~~

i am going to cry in my sleep coz of my harddisk.. =~~~ i am gonna miss it so much and definitely give it a descend funeral.. like flushing it down a toilet bowl for giving me such a good time losing all my media files.. tmd........ si hardddisk..

Monday, March 19

This is a story of a young college girl who passed away last month, at Shah Alam. Her name is Priya; she was hit by a lorry. I don't want to mention the name of the college. She had a boyfriend names Shankar. He lives in Johore. Both of them are true lovers.

They are always on the phone with each other. You can never see her without her handphone.>>She spends ¾ of the day talking with Shankar. Priya's family knows about>their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family (just imagine>their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass>away please burn me with my handphone". She also said the same thing to her>parents.>>>>After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin. I was there ~ a lot of>them tried to do so but still couldn't , everybody including me, had tried>to carry the coffin, the result was still the same.

Eventually, they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from Thailand (pak>Darin), who is a friend of her father's. He took a seat and started>speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses>something here". Then her friends told Darin bout her intentions to burn>her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her phone, together>with the SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the>coffin. It could now be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All>of us were shocked. (can you feel the fear? I'm shaking at this moment.)

Priya's parents didn't inform Shankar that Priya had passed away (pity>Shankar). After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom. Shankar: "Atte, I'm coming home today. Please cook something nice for me.>Don't tell Priya that I'm coming home today; I want to surprise her."

Her mother replied, "You come home first, I want to tell you something very important."After he arrived at Shah Alam, they told him the truth about Priya.Shankar thought that they were fooling around. He was laughing and said,>"Don't try to fool me ... tell Priya to come out ... I have a gift for her.Please stop this nonsense."

Then they show him the Priya's death certificate; they gave him proof to>make him believe.Shankar started to sweat profusely. He said, "It's not true. We spoke>yesterday. She still calls me."Shankar was shaking so badly when suddenly, his phone rang."See this is from Priya. See this ...." he showed the phone to Priya's family. All of them told him to answer. He used the loudspeaker mode. All>of them heard this conversation, loud and clear. No cross lines, no humming. It was Priya's voice! And there was no way others could use her SIM card as it was nailed inside the coffin! They were so shocked and asked>for pak Darin's help.

Pak Darin brought his master (Tok Chen) to solve this matter. He and pak>Darin worked for 5 hours ... then they discovered one thing

.....>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

M1. Best coverage ever, ONE LOW FLAT RATE~!!!!!!! Anyone, any network,>anytime, ANYWHERE!!!*" I WILL FOLLOW YOU... FOLLOW YOU WHEREVER YOU MAY GO... "Ok, now back to sleep .....

did i mention? few days ago i accompanied my cousin to st james.. she is 16 years old this year, but st james power station is having some kind of under age party at power house.i thought it would be cute seeing my cute cousin who will probably arrive there with a newbie face but it didn't turn out as good as i expected.. it wasn't a clubbing night to begin with. lots of good looking cute lil girls with figures so sinful . no dancing, no drinks..no smoking seriously it was the worst clubbing experience i ever had..but i already knew it was an event to begin with.. and i've been to more then one event that take place in clubs but this is the 1st!!! that don't allow smoking ! omg..

okies enough with the complains.. today went hougang.. running some errand and on my way back home, i bought some tutu kuey for my cousin since they seems to luv it. took mrt to little india and before we're totally out of the mrt station premises, let me tell u, the mrt staff are working really hard.. good on them.. everyone knows there is no eating or drinking within the station's premises.. but today i was too tempted by the tutu kuey i couldn't hold one more escalator up to the exit. so i took a tutu kuey out from my plastic bag and have a bite.. one whole piece.. its just one escalator to the exit.. and guess what.. right after the tutu kuey melts in my mouth they put up the no eating and drinking announcement with all 4 languages .. made me feel a bit guilty but the 4 languages really kind of irritates me..but since i am living in a multi racial country, i guess i don really have a choice do i?

I've been indecisive about something for a long time, actually its just the confidence part.. i wanted to qualify for something, but to qualify for it, i have to do the one thing i hate most. not only i am bad in that, i have little confidence, most of all when it comes to it, i only always have that short while of hardwork and everything will go down to drain after 5 minutes.. oh man.. my eagerness to qualify for it or my will.. *shakes head* not to mention the time it will take to qualify for it.. can i go bang the wall now..

there are so many path in my life that i can take now but i just can't decide which to take.. my passion, my will, my materialistism, my blah blah blah.. which one should i go... or i should just be lazy and not do anything.. ok nvm thats not a good idea, a lot of people is gonna scold me for that... =~~~ treat it as i never say the last one..but but but.. i still wish i can be lazy..... and lately i've been looking up a lot of things to customize my own desktop.. i don mean the system but the themes etc.. some looks pretty cute, some is really useful, and some.. is just refreshing. should i put down what my moo says about it? "a waste of time" and damn him.

*stopped blogging for 5 min coz he tried to delete the "damn him"*
for wasting my 5 min, i had to double damn him.

its now 4:31 am, my moo ask me go le.. so i guai guai have to listen to him since i damned him 3 times in total.. i still feel a bit guilty ..... sometimes...

so good night~~~

Saturday, March 17

Firstly you need to aim beyond what you are capable of. You must develop a complete disregard for where your abilities end. Try to do the things that you're incapable of. If you think you're unable to work for the best company in its sphere, make that your aim. If you think you're incapable of running a company, make that your aim. If you think you're unable to be on the cover of Time magazine, make it your business to be there. Make your vision of where you want to be a reality. Nothing is impossible. The above was quoted from "It's Not How Good You Are, It;s How Good You Want to be.", by Paul Arden.

Friday, March 16

Woaw.. been doing a lot of things lately.. this 2 weeks.. movies.. shopping.. semi-clubbing..hospital visit..going fish'co for my 1st time, and blah blah blah... and of coz .. getting fatter still..
i had a lot of things to blog down initially but due to my short memory span, i usually forgot those interesting stuff after like... 2 days.. and if i didn't blog for 2 days.. all the juicy things happenining before that would be forgotten.. argh.. so i had to jump to the most recent funny thought that came to my mind...

i accompanied my friend to KK.Hospital for her regular check up the que was really long and blah blah.. special day i guess, but thats not the main thing.. after all the check up and blah.. we took the shuttle bus, guess who i saw when we got off the bus. Not someone i know, but i saw a monk.. queing up for the shuttle bus to KK.H. Can't help but wonder, why would a monk go to KK.H?? Monk! but my curiosity faded and i starting to think.. sex = emptiness, emptiness = sex. Isn't that one of the beliefs monks have? it leads me to thinking, how true it is that a whole world can't have the same idea of life.. can't believe the same way of life, even though some of the idea might be for the best. Just like a monk, he don't kill, don't steal, etc etc, u know - all the good things.. but that also include no sex. imagine everyone has that belief and stop reproducing. the world won't last for three generation. Earth will only be filled with animals which flies swims and crawl. its just one of the stupid idea i had and it might be lame, but it can be an example of how healthy the difference of people is, and how important it is..

Sometimes the world might think of a person who do things without gaining a reward - stupid. But sometimes i think.. a person like that doesn't mean he do not have reward... it may not be seen.. and sometimes people might take advantage. but who does anything in this world without losing sometimes. a person who may look easy going and stupidly helpful.. what they gain is the trust of many and sometimes the protection of some. a lot of people who have the right morals always like to look out for people who still have innocent thoughts even though living under the harsh world, these type of people are hard to come by and they are most of the time appreciated. When u help without getting a reward materialistically. u gained friendships and people to look out for you everyway in your life. isn't that something so important.. isn't that something that can't be bought? well unless u mean security guards or body guards but of coz thats not what i meant..
anyway, thats just a sudden though that came to my mind.

putting that aside, i found out today that my cousin actually own a blog! he is 12 years old and he owns a blog! how cute, i just have to link his to mine. i didn't know 12 years old can write a blog. although he only have 2 entries but i guess thats fine.. it will take sometime to let him get the hang of it.. and i believe its a good habit too. a blog is like a modern diary anyway. not only that it also kinda tells how a person is like.. and a 12 years old is writing it.. aaaaawww..

its 3 am now.. i can't really sleep yet so i'm gonna go jobsdb, haha yeah finally.. me looking into jobsdb.. for myself.. hope i can find a job near my place.. better still a kindergarden or childcare nearby.. would be perfect.. so wish me luck

Friday, March 2

Thursday, March 1

Went and bought a special type of tutu kuey today, you know those normal tutu kuey which is flat and round, usually served on top of a cut piece of pandan leaf. Today i went china town to look for the bamboo steamed tutu kuey, actually its called "zhu tong gao" bamboo cake, but the outer layer is just the same as tutukuey with a bit of coconut i think, but the filling is different, i luv luv the fillings.. its very different from the normal ones and its not that easy to find one stall selling it. i've been looking for it for a while now and i finally found it.

The photo is a bit blurry, not coz of the cam and obviously not the weather, its just the steam.. but it means delicious snacks.

we kinda jokingly complained to the shop owner that we walked a long way to find this shop. its true, from outram mrt station to china town mrt station, and we didn't exactly walk one straight path down, we had to walk around asking for directions, like doing a quest in final fantasy 12.
so the owner treat us to a little snacks, this plate of things is free ~~

the brown color thing is sweet, its damn nice, i have to buy it afterward.. coz its too nice and since we've walk a long hard way, not to mention the rain made the floor slippery, i keep doing the *ooops* -nearly fall down but manage to balance myself- action. and yes, took a while to reach there but its all worth while, after having the snacks in my mouth and it breaks into small lil sweet pieces... uuuuhh.its heavenly..

oops forgot to mention, the reason why we're even in outram park is coz we are making a trip to the poly clinic there, making sure my moo's neck is alright, been aching for a few days now, can't really turn his head either. but went there too late.. close at 4 30pm , thought its gonna be 5 pm, not to mention we did try really hard to find it too, we thought its gonna be a building, but no. its just a level of a building. today has been a questing trip... just out of ff12..

Nag Chapter -

Warning, not for people with little patience

Remember when you’re younger? Say about a decade ago, you find certain things cool, fun, exciting, can’t live without and etc.. the excitement won’t stop coming, coz everywhere u turn, everywhere u look, there is nothing that bores u.

Lately I’ve been thru quite a boring phase of life, maybe its because I feel tired of everything, maybe its because nothing seems new, maybe its because I just am unsatisfied with the way I am now, simply put – everything is stale.

Suddenly I can’t help but wonder, what is life all about exactly? Of coz I know that if you don expect things to happen, almost nothing could disappoint you. But what is life without expectation. I expect my daughter to be in express stream when she is in secondary school. I expect my daughter to be a person who knows her way of life.

See the difference? Sometimes different kind of expectation can bring up a person with a healthy mentality, yet some expectation may lead a person’s life to doubt and confusion.

It’s a wonder how one person can affect another throughout the enter life. And you know what? This is just about less then 1% of the things that are flying thru my mind right now.

There is also another thing that has been flowing thru and fro my mind. Let bygones be bygones. This is a phrase that is so simple, just 4 words, yet its so hard to comprehend and applying into ur life. And its not that no one in this world is kind enough to do that, its just everyone prefers to go into the once bitten twice shy mentality.

“ he did that to me before, he must be someone with bad intentions, how can I forget it, I must do something about it. Its fair! If I don’t he might do the same thing again next time, and who is going to pay for my lost? ”

Isn’t this phrase familiar, if not the phrase at least the mentality behind it is familiar. Where ever you go, whatever u do, there will be people around you with this kind of thinking.

I once heard from my cousin a Chinese phrase “害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无。” It means you must not have the will to harm or hurt someone, yet you must not lack the awareness of people that might bring harm to you. Ok fine, my translation sarks, but you get the idea don’t you. But it seems in practical life, the phrase most people endorse is “伤我者必等我复，意我者不坏好心” it’s a phrase I invented but its not hard to understand, those who do wrong unto me shall be rewarded with my vengeance, those who treats me well are just people with alter motive.

Almost everything around me are this way,

“I didn’t do anything bad to him, I was just being sarcastic. I didn’t physically harm her, I was just saying things that will hurt her deep down and under. They deserve it! They are such and such type of people, why should you stop me from doing so and so.. its not worth it..”

Maybe even though there are many different side to every story, sometimes it isn’t enough to cover what bad one person may do. But what good does it do to pull off some cheap tricks to put off someone who did something bad, to you or to others. Of coz, other then satisfying a tiny part of your ego which no one would really admit, any amount of little actions you do will not satisfy you enough to finally stop “returning his favour” one day, isn’t it? So why? Is it hate?

I believe hate is born with a person. Its inbuilt. Its natural. Its an instinct. I hate milk, I hate school, I hate poverty,I hate my mum cos she canes me, I hate this and that. Just like any other bad characteristics a person may be. But as a person grow, they grow to learn and understand more things. They learn why not to hate. They slowly understand the reason not to hate. And should one day not be able to find a reason to hate anymore.. Coz they live long enough to see many reason why they shouldn’t hate. And what hate can bring you, Its never something good. To understand that, Isn’t it part of growing up. Things like greed, hate, jealousy, etc. they are instinct and inbuilt in most people as early as they know they are an individual living in this world. Coz without it, they can’t survive.

So people grow up learning to survive with lesser of this bad points. Only then will they be truly happy.

Done with nagging

Okies, I don’t even know why I type the whole passage up there, no one even offended me. It just came across my mind like an whoosh. And now I am done nagging. I am off to sleep…

The New View of World

After having to strain my eyes when i try to look at things clearly- for a few years. I've finally reach a stage where straining my eyes won't help anymore.. things are as blur as they are, strain or not.
So i went to have my eyes check last week and Ta dah, i was told that i have to put on a spec in order to maintain my current degree. So there u go, i've got a pair for myself.. collected it this noon, and start wearing it straight after.. the world is so clear.. sharp clear..

usually when i see words far away , especially when the surrounding is bright or the words itself is small.I will just see a lump of blurry patch of whatever the color of the words is.. and now.. hohoho words for words.. letter for letter.. sharp and clear, i can even see the full stop on the board. the lil stones on the roads.. which use to be some gray patches.. the bus number which use to be just red background with white patch. signs and building names.. all so clear.. i feel like i am in the new world. just because of a specs.. this three hundred dollar is well worth it. the only down side is now i look like a typical ah mah.

this photo was taken and yes i am now 56kg and i look as much as that.. thank you for ur observation, i know i am fat..

btw how do i look with the specs putting my weight aside. is it really that ah mah? i heard ah mah a few times le, but i don mind more comments. hopefully better ones. anyway, i have a cow sitting beside me waiting impatiently to use the com so i must go, maybe i will continue with my ff12 if he plays the com for too long.. i am impatient as well *smug look*