I have removed half of my last post due to some unexpected/unknown/hidden objections from the writer of the previous interesting topic, but I think I will still keep the link available since I don’t think she mind a link to her blog after all.

Okies…. So lately there have some incident that upsets me here and there, maybe a little disappointed or somehow made me feel a little out of confidence because of the uncertainty of my future. The desert land that I see when I look into my future worries me. Also knowing how others view me as which I haven’t realize.

Well, I had expected that people around me be straight forward to me. Maybe not TAT straight forward to the extent that you have to tell my how ugly my lips look or things like I am fat, but you know, the basic things of likes and dislikes, what you can tolerate and what not. Coz after all, I don’t see the point in hiding all these feelings unless it’s for a better course or maybe if you can see something good coming out of it. I was kind of wrong though, it had occurred to me that not everyone see it that way. Looking back at a few incidents or events that I’ve been through in the past. I realize that there is somewhat quite a number of times that people didn’t mean what they say to me, even when they say it with a smiling face.

Take for example. I seldom borrow $ from people even though if I have financial difficulties sometimes. I just didn’t want to borrow, I thought money is quite a sensitive issue to everyone. Apparently it is although sometimes people claimed its not. I did a few times before throughout my life though, when I really couldn’t handle it. Anyway, most people would have this kind of experience by now, when you borrow $ from people, they always say “don’t need la” when you try to return. With a smiling face assuring how it doesn’t matter to them and if you do calculate so much about $, means you’re not treating them as friend. Ever wonder what they’re really thinking inside their heart? I am not gonna generalize everyone to this standard but yeah, just thought that things aren’t as simple sometimes.

Or some that talk and laughs with you letting you feel you’re their best friend ever, or they are your best friend ever, but sneer at you in their heart feeding some sense of superiority potion to themselves and feeling satisfied.

Of coz I do know that everyone has their dose white lies coz they don’t want to hurt people etc etc… I think that’s fine, as long as what you do is not out to hurt people or putting people down. Everyone has their likes and dislike about each other too, that is fine too. As long as you don’t pretend to like it unless he or she gonna feel terribly hurt, upset, depressed or somewhere along the line where they feel there is no one left in the world to understand or share the same dreams with them then start to have suicidal thoughts. Other than that, I think it’s advisable to tell the truth.

I see things quite simply for those of you who still knows by now. If you show me a sad face, I gonna think you are sad. If you show me a happy face, I gonna think you're happy. If you're excited about something I mentioned, I believe you have the same interest as me. If you're give me a can't be bothered look when I talk about something, I stop talking about it unless it is really, really, important. If you don't seems to mind what I am doing, I continue doing it. If you seems to mind what I am doing, I will stop doing it unless it betrays my basic principal. If you tell me not to return the $ I will happily keep it after a few tries. If you want me to return the $, I return it as soon as I am able to. If you think I can tolerate certain things, do it by all means. If you think I can't tolerate certain things, ask me first. One thing I totally dislike is for people to test me. Test if I am smart of stupid, test if I get the hint. Test if I am able to read between the lines. Test if I am such and such. Just ask me directly or tell me directly la... very hard mer... isn't it very tiring to test all year round.

One thing you can be sure of is I hate reading in between the lines. When it comes to hint, let me tell you all now la, so far I've been always seeing things on the greener side. If you tell me not to return you the $, I will just think you're a generous person, I won't think of it as a test. If you tell me that I should not do this, give me a valid reason if I haven't seen it, I would stop doing it if I see your point. No point condemning when you chose not to voice out. I don't think I need to emphasize anymore of this. I am hint proof. I don't get hints, knock this right in.

So far, I believed I have been quite simple. Other then occasional avoiding of hurting people white lie, and a little mischief lie to get me where I want to be but most of the time own up afterwards and ask for forgiveness if I remember I lied.

Today, I was caught up in a situation, I wasn’t able to lie. Lately, it has been a lot of thinking about what happen next. What is next. What to do next, and although thinking about what is my future gonna be like have been something in my mind all the while, worrying about it to this extend I am now, is something that never happens before in my life. During the short unofficial interview my uncle give me coz I wanted to work in the wine shop. He asked me a question which I have been wondering for so long but never found and answer. Usually for an interview, I would avoid telling things I know they don’t want to hear and adding a little bit of spice I think they might want to hear. This time round, I was stunt and the answer was so obvious in front of me coz I see a huge, vast desert in front of me (mental image la) I couldn’t find the words to avoid or find the words to make up so I had to tell him the truth. My ans is “thought about it, but I have no answer..”

I was upset that I gave that answer coz I know it’s the truth. All I ever thought of was work for $ work for $, although I did think of what interest I have here and there, but those thoughts wasn’t motivating or whatsoever. Not that I think anything is wrong with working for $ and getting on with life. When asked this question though, I feel incapable. Coz I know this kind of answer leads to making people feel you’re empty. It’s not totally bad though, I am glad I was able to be truthful about this although this time I was kind of forced into. Just that the lack of confidence I already have, dug deeper into my heart.

So anyway, the good news is, I requested for part time coz I need time to absorb new things into my life as well. Going to the shop everyday to learn new things won’t allow myself anytime to absorb. So… I am starting work in the wine shop on Friday. Hopefully this time, I can find something that I am interested in, and stick on with it, or around it.

For now, let me meditate in silence so I can shift all those negative thoughts inside me towards elsewhere before I begin the journey I seek.