No comments is allowed on the chatter box for this post, no ‘follow ups’ from friends family or whoever. Strictly no. Nothing about this topic should be mention in front of me again. I don’t even want to talk about it. Not even hear any of your 2 cents. Get the picture?

The PROPER job.

I am 23 years old this year, attached half a year ago. Was idleing and bumming around when I was in melbourne. Use to dream of being a kindergarden teacher, but its either I am not cut of for studies or the word text book scares me so much, I never score a satisfying result in studies, resulting in my lack of qualification for going into a teaching course. Although I can’t say for sure that kindergarden teacher is the one job/career that I will be satisfied with all my life. I wish to try it, and hope that once I tried, I will realise that it is the job I’ve always wanted. So I will stop having the need to search for my “the one job” Till this day, this dream is still a dream. With an obstacle I’ve feared for life. Being in this real world though, all the things I’ve said above sounds like nothing but a lame excuse. True, I am definitely in a real world without the thinking to catch up with the realisticism of it. The maturity I need is definitely not here in my darn brain or my emotional self. I’ve probably lead a carefree life with not much worries, or I worry too much about many small things that it seems to others who worry about big things, that I am not exactly a thinking person. People might notice the small things I do and made comments that I am nice or I am thoughtful most of the time, even the discription “kind” was used on me. But a human needs more then just these aspect to survive their life. The merits I have isn’t considered merits as long as it doesn’t earn me money. These I know, all too well.

Holding the “improper” $$/hour job as I have now probably wasn’t attractive to many. Unstable income is one big thing, not having a stable path in the future is another, having to survive each and everyday thinking about not having enough money for the next coming month, yet another… the bright future which everyone would love to have, a family, a nice cosy place you call home etc. Also needs money to sustain. I can still continue…

A person like me, I always think I might be a certain kind of person, not good, not too bad but still passes as not disgustingly evil/mean. Maybe the good comments people made on me before was just words on mouth too, I have no idea. I’ve probably spent too much time looking for what I want, and haven’t have a satisfying results in the long years of time wasted. The detours I took was way too long, I can even see that. Holding jobs which people age lots younger than me can do, being disliked and not trusted by most working adults, and being closer to the younger ones. The last 6 words before the full stop probably made myself a lot of impression before others. It probably mean my brain haven’t live pass that age, that’s why I am this way. The only thing I can say is that, I still enjoy this. Not necessary fun and happy enjoy, but there are things I feel is important too. No doubt surviving and letting my own family survive is the utmost important. Thinking it will work out somehow is not only unrealistic and its immature too. Eventually, the person you rely on too much might just wants to have control over your life, with all the “care about you” reasons to do it. These I know.

Being in a family who is Indonesian Chinese didn’t make it better. In other family, if you’re taking a super long detour, a lot of bad things might arise. But they’ll still know somehow that you know you can’t rely on your parents forever. Even if you’re a 28 years old man who still take allowance from your parents and have them pay your credit card bills. It’s ok, coz they are sure you know you can’t rely on them forever as they are not financially able to do that. Being in a family like mine, people thinks that this kind of parents have such ability, thus all their child who is taking too long of a detour must be planning to rely on their parents for life. In another words, unable to think, or thinking way too little. Yeah that might just be true. So with all the things above, I have only two choice to go? Like… marrying a super rich guy or find a “proper” job that will make sure I am able to ‘survive’ my coming years and help support the family I am suppose to have. ONLY this 2 choice is realistic, if not the “ you have done enough thinking” choice. The naïve thinking of wanting to lead my way of life next time is unrealistic as long as unstable income is in the picture. Worrying too much about little stuff or other people before yourself, is stupid and totally not ideal. Can’t help it is excuse for unwilling to try or just plain laziness.

From here on, I want to make clear what I have in mind. Maybe not in detail but a rough idea will do. I am taking an improper job, not having a rich partner, dreams of the expensive bags and facial products, high end computer and super camera, and things like big plasma TV and Cool looking phone which 80% of function I don’t use. A nice bungalow with gardens outside and maids to take care of it. Fresh air and slow pace world with the person I love and people I care about. Those are dreams.

In reality, I know all the freaking things I’ve said above. Deep deep deep down in my retarded brains. Unfortunately, I use my heart to think way too much. I would like to own a computer, can’t do without a decent one, I worked to buy it, for once. All along I knew it wasn’t a good idea to “please dad buy it for me” so I’ve decided to buy the 1^st expensive things for myself, although my moo chipped in a part of it. Now that I am working, I hope I can get the things I want with my own ability, even with those ‘improper’ jobs I have. Yes unrealistic, but it’s to dream and set it as half a goal.

Before purchasing any real expensive things for myself, I would still evaluate what other things I could do with this money I have. I do admit saving haven’t been part of my plan, but it’s a “yet”. There are still things I consider more important and I haven’t done, and it requires money. Don’t probe. I believe no matter how stupid I am, I still have the right to my privacy. The only thing I can say is, those important things isn’t what anyone would consider materialistic. DON’T probe. I will probably still live in a way which everyone will think is low life for a while. Have my reasons, even if you think it’s just an excuse. You are not getting more information from me.

I am not in a favorable position in any way. Probably most would think if you haven’t done enough thinking to secure your future, you’re not thinking enough. START NOW. And if you think that I am stupid coz I could have worked hard to secure my future with wealth and then do the things that are important after that, since I will have an plentiful of money to spare. Shut up! I am not stupid to that extend. This thought as come across my mind many times, it’s just that the conclusion isn’t that simple. The things that are important to me have a high percentage of disappearing during the process of ‘securing my future’ which I think is not worth. Yes it may be the most important thing to you. Unfortunately not me. Call me an idiot or whatsoever, I have my belief and I still hold them firm. For those many lame excuse that I gave before for not having a freaking proper way of life. These are my reasons which you probably will consider as excuses. Go ahead. You are just trying to help, I know. I can talk to you about it, and you’ll see if you can help. Oh shut up... You care about me thus not letting me stray off pathetically. One thing I can say, I will not and never allow myself to live on my parents forever but I don’t think I need to go to the extent of proving anything. What for? To prove that I am actually doing some thinking? Bullshit. To prove that I have the ability to keep myself alive? Yes I admit I am quite lazy at times or actually most of the time, but I am not without brain. To prove that I am actually mature? I don’t even think I am but I am fine with it, if an explanation is needed, I would just say maturity doesn't mean many things you thought it meant. Need I say more?

I laugh I smile and I may look a bit retarded when I react to certain things, but I still have my tired times and I can be quite a crybaby as well. Just because we have different view doesn’t mean mine is wrong. You just think certain things as more important. Although I do agree that there are limits for that. As for me, I still believe I am still within the limit. Don’t even try to tell my anything else, there is a 100% chance I won’t tell you the truth in any conversation. Its only that this is a blog without a conversation that I am able to even say these things. So shut your trap. Fine? If you can't stop your condemning, you can at least stop your 2 cents worth.

For those who actually read every word of this post, congratulations, its probably the 1st scary post I've made, scary in the sense I could be so childish. For my close friends who might be kind of surprise I made this post. Something hit me hard today, so I've decided to make it. For those who is surprise that I even feel this way, I didn't tell you coz I have things I never tell anyone not even my closest closest person. Don't fret, you're not left out. Its just that I don't have this kind of habit. I won't make it a habit either.

This post doesn’t target only one single person. I am sure some of you knows what I mean.